Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Randomize
