I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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