What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
