and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
