You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
