I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
My vagina just recognized that song.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
