great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
