oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
