The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Randomize
