they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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