Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Randomize
