I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
