I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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