I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
