I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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