____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
