in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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