Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
