a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
