In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
