i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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