You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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