I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
