just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
