i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
