I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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