I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Randomize
