he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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