Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
