What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
He has the fingertips of a God
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