I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
