I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
