i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
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Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
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It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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