i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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