you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
