she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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