so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Text me some of your sweat
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
