The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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