How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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