Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
