Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
