You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
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Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
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Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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