I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
