Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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