a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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