I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
