she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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