Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
did i walk over a car last night?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
