threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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