Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I need to stop coming to work sober
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
