Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
