What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
