Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
