Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
