Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
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Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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