i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
