i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
