I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
