I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
