The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
