the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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